A Tremendously Superb and Random HP fanfic
by jellybean839
Summary: so I love writing.  and I especially love writing random stuff.  Harry Potter is extremely easy to make random.  hence, the completely awesomely cool random H.P. fanfic that I wrote lol
1. Chapter 1

The Best First Chapter Ever (No, Really, I'm not Kidding)

"AHHHHH!" screamed Hermione.

"AHHHHH!" screamed Ron. He turned around and looked at her.

"Wait, why are we screaming?"

Hermione stopped screaming and looked at Ron. "I don't know," she said after a minute, looking puzzled.

"Bloody hell, Hermione!" Ron shouted. "You just said you don't know something! AHHHHH! The world is coming to an end!"

"Shut up, Ronald" she said with as much dignity as she could muster.

"Snork, snork" was all he could say, which technically isn't saying anything. It's just snorting. Anyway. the narrator (me) rolls her eyes.

Hermione got up and stalked off to the library, which is where she goes in stressful situations like this.

Ron stares at the narrator (me) for a full minute and says, "Why does she go to the library all the time? And what are you talking about, stressful situations like this? This isn't stressful!"

The narrator (me) says to Ron, "Why are you talking to me? I'm not even here. And if you want to stay in this story, shut your trap and do what I write you to do!"

Ron looks at the narrator (me) and mumbles under his breath. "I can't hear you if you don't speak up," the narrator (me) says. "And if I can't hear you I can't tell if you're saying bad things, which would put me in the very bad position to have to fire you and delete you from my entire fanfic."

Ronald Weasley glares at the narrator (me) and sticks his tongue out at the narrator (me).

I tell him, "That's not very mature, now is it, Ronald?" He turns away and flips up his middle finger at the narrator (me).

The narrator (me) says, "That's it Ronald you're going bye bye to where the bad people go who stick up their bad fingers at other people."

I turn to my trusty keyboard and delete him out of existence. "No!" he yells. "This isn't fair! You can't do this to me!" But he's already gone and we can't hear him anymore.

Harry Potter runs into the room and glances wildly around. "Where's Ron?" he asks. But then he realizes that the narrator (me) is the only person (or whatever they're called) in the room.

"Do you know where Ron is?" he asks the narrator (me).

The narrator (me) says, "I'm not here. Why are you asking me?"

Harry looks at me confusedly and says, "But, um, I can see you and hear you and you can talk so how are you not here?"

The narrator (me) says, "I'm the narrator. So I'm not here."

"Um… OK…" Harry says, looking dazed.

"But anyway do you know where Ron is?" he asks yet again. The narrator (me) wonders idly if she gets to delete another annoying person out of existence.

"Yes I know" the narrator (me) says acidly. "I deleted him into oblivion."

"Oh no!" Harry starts crying.

The narrator (me) says, "Don't cry you big sissy. You still have Hermione."

Harry says with lots of enthusiasm sarcastically, "I have Hermione. Oh joy. Don't you know she's just a girl?"

A.N.- just got a song stuck in my head by The Click Five and it's called Just the Girl. Yippee.

The narrator's (mine) eyes start blazing and burning in anger. The narrator (me) just happens to also be a girl. Harry turns around and sees Hermione standing behind him.

"Er, how long have you been standing there?" he asks nervously.

"Long enough!" she shouts. "No more help on your homework! No more help in class! No more talking about anything! No more complaining about Ron!"

Harry looks stricken. "But, but…"

The narrator (me) feels a twinge of pity for him and undeletes Ron out of oblivion.

"Whoa," says Ron. "That was one wild ride."

"Now you better be good," the narrator (me) tells Ron. "Or you'll be gone forever and ever and ever!"

"Whatev," says Ron.

"Hey!" the narrator (me) says. "You can't say 'whatev'. That's against the rules!"

"What rules?" he asks me.

"The rules that clearly state that you can't steal words or strange phrases from Ms. Duff," the narrator (me) tells him. "Her strange phrases are her strange phrases and you can't say them. You say things like Bloody Hell and Wicked and things like that."

"Whatev," said Ronald. "I can say whatever I want to."

And then the narrator (me) said wickedly, "Yeah, if you want to be saying it from wherever deleted annoying bad people go who stick up their bad fingers and talk back to who created them." That got him to shut right up.


	2. Chapter 2

A Terrifically Spiffily Great Second Chapter

The next day Harry, Ron, and Hermione were walking on the Hogwarts grounds by the Forbidden Forest on their way to see Hagrid. Ron and Harry were laughing and joking about some prank they planned to pull, and Hermione was getting ticked at them for not letting her in on it.

"Come on Hermione you know you'll just not want us to do it" whined Ron. "You'll say it's against school rules and then quote exactly which one and which page and what paragraph in Hogwarts: The Rules".

"Ronald why are you whining?" asked Hermione. "You sound like a drunk skunk when you do that, did you know?"

"A drunk skunk!!!" shouted Ron, his face flaming redder than his hair, which is quite a feat to pull off. "A drunk skunk! Only a girl would have come up with something that dumb!"

At this point the narrator (me) hits a little key that says 'Delete' on the keyboard and Ron just poof disappears.

"Bloody hell!" shouted Harry. "Where did Ron go?"

Hermione looked around. "Oh how peaceful" she happily sighed.

At this point they have come up to Hagrid's cozy little hut, and they knocked on the door. A couple minutes later, during which Hermione had tapped her toe, crossed her arms, sighed huffily eight times, rolled her eyes six times, and drummed her fingers on her arm about twenty-three times. She wanted to get back up to the castle to work on her Study of Illogical Scenes homework.

When Hagrid opened the door Harry and Hermione's jaws dropped open in utter and total shock for a complete two minutes and five point six seconds.

"What happened!" they both exclaimed. Really it was like when Fred and George talked at the same time. Quite creepy actually. Anyways.

Hagrid looked around shiftily. "Come in come in" he muttered and swung the door shut behind them.

Immediately upon stepping into the room, Fang, Hagrid's enormous black dog, started drooling all over Harry's brand new black robes with spiffy crimson and gold borders and piping. "Ew" said Harry, glaring at the poor dog before turning to look at Hagrid again.

"What happened to your face?" asked Hermione, putting her hand primly to her mouth. The narrator (that's me!) looks askance at Hermione and says Gee I didn't know you were so… so… girlish! Hermione looks around and asks, "Did you two hear a voice? It said something about girls…"

Hagrid's face was covered in flaming hot pink stripes. His beard was covered in eye-blindingly bright lime green polka dots. His hair…oh, his hair. It was… hippyish for lack of a better word. It was messily braided into multiple strands sticking out all over his head, and random ones had been colored bright neon safety-cone orange. The ends were tied with fuzzy psychedelic purple bands that flashed purple lights when Hagrid moved his head. Altogether, it was completely overwhelming, unHagridlike, and made one sick to their stomach if they looked at it for more than one point seven seconds.

Harry found this out the hard way. He ran to a bucket in the corner and rid himself of the afternoon's delicious lunch menu of roasted sawdust-and-stone biscuits, brain (of hippopotamus, of course) pot pie, shrub-and-leaf salad, and mint moose dropping ice cream. Harry looked into the bucket disappointedly (he had loved lunch, it wasn't every day they got fare that good) but called Hermione and Hagrid over.

"Look how much worse it looks now!" he exclaimed. "At lunch I almost didn't want to eat because it looked so good, but now it looks disgusting!"

The narrator (that's me again!) looks into the bucket over all three of their heads. The reader (you) says Hey, how does that work? You can't be taller than Hagrid! The narrator (me again) says loftily I am the narrator. I am writing this story. You are not. So shut up and let me tell it. The reader (you) says Gee you (the narrator, of course) are rude. The narrator (me!) says No I am not you (the reader) are interrupting. Now I (the narrator) shall get back to my evil-genius story.

Interestingly enough, Harry's ejected lunch did not look disgusting. In fact, it looked scrumptious. There were spun-sugar troll feet and sugar-peach pumpkins and blueberry licorice spiderwebs and goat-milk bubblegum burgers and so much more. It was a feast anyone sane would love.

"Wow, that is beyond disgusting!" Hermione cried. Just then a pop was heard. At that moment, the narrator (me) gasped and glared with three evil gold eyes. Ron had come back!

"Oh my god guys!" he squealed. "I found like this totally spiff wand and like it's so cool, most def!" He looked normal (as normal as Ronald Weasley can anyway), but he was talking like a complete Valley Girl! The narrator (me) cracks up at this moment and isn't able to write any more. Sorry folks.


End file.
